I can barely even write about this but I want friends and followers to know what is going on with me right now in the event I decide to or am left with no alternative but to just go away from all internet connections.
First I need to acknowledge that the term devastating is not used in the same sense as the devastation of losing a loved one, dealing with cancer, having one's home burn down or worse, suffering the consequences of war. I picked this word because when I think of devastation, I think of a life altering event that includes major losses leaving one in a state of no return to what was before the event and losing the sense of normalcy that previously existed. In that way, what has just happened to me is devastating.
I've been working at a grinding pace to near exhaustion trying to get the boat on the market for so long now that I can barely believe the time that has passed. Lately all final efforts have been even more accelerated and my "God given dream" has been put on hold while I work towards that first giant step to be able to move forward towards it.
Necessary to both critical goals in my life, selling the boat and working on what is perhaps my final dream, is my computer and all of the creative tools it contains. I've kept Windows 7 because of the numerous software programs that I have built and maintained things on for so many years. Most of those programs will not work on Windows 10 or higher. I have two drives on my computer where C is for the basic windows and Microsoft programs, which back in the day when I bought the office professional package, includes the ability to host it on my computer so Outlook, Notepad, Word, Xcel, etc are all free to use on an ongoing basis. In D drive, a much heftier drive, I stored all of my other programs that included my photo editing, graphic creation, video editing, writing composition, utility service programs and anything else that gave me the option to download the program into anything other than C drive. Here is where most of my most important tools existed. I knew all of them with the experience of many years of use and practice to make me professionally proficient and in some cases an expert with many of them.
Before last night I was already dealing with a keyboard that works on a whim, (I am lucky it is allowing me to write this blog) and an internet connection that is sketchy and unreliable, but what happened last night feels like the final straw that broke the camel's back. Unlike the keyboard and internet which money could probably solve with purchases of new equipment, if I could spare the money that is, the destruction that occurred is not "fixable or replaceable" without starting all over with an updated computer and new software.
I used the free version of Ccleaner for so many years I can not even count them. The version that was on this computer was originally uploaded in 2015. I let it update automatically so the last version was the latest and they made huge changes in their free program that didn't even allow it to clean for free anymore. So I decided to uninstall it because it seemed like since that update I began having issues I had not had before elsewhere and figured I could test the theory that it might have something to do with the update. I went to windows uninstaller, hit uninstall, and after a minute I wondered why it was taking so long so I looked at the details. There before my eyes I saw files relating to other programs zooming by in the window. I thought maybe the cleaner has placed files in those folders not really being at all knowledgeable about how programs operate on the technical end, but deemed it odd enough that I picked up my phone and made a video of some of it happening. I checked to be sure it was Ccleaner and nothing else chosen to delete and when I went to pause or stop the process while I could explore I realized there was no button to click to cause either result. I was doomed and at that moment a sick feeling came over me. But no, no way would uninstalling a simple program remove anything else. It is unheard of or well, it was until it happened to me and I later discovered there was a known issue, a bug so to speak, for installations that went into D drives.
When it was over and the reality set in that it had removed every single thing that was in the same folder and that those programs were forever gone, I felt utterly crushed. The rest of the night and morning was spent contacting tech supports, and looking into whether or not any of the 30+ programs I had could be replaced on my Windows 7. I found so far that what happened can not be undone and not one of them could be bought or downloaded again on my system. So right now I can not update my WHC website ever again without starting all over, continue on my book editing which was done and stored on a specialty program, or even do a simple photo edit. Being at the next step of preparing the boat photos for upload to for sale sites this is an especially cruel blow. On the dream front, I had prepared so many things in programs now gone that could have so simply been copied, cut, pasted and processed elsewhere and now I can not even retrieve those project files, even though they still exist because I have nothing to open them with nor work with them on. So for all intents and purposes years of work is lost.... forever... lost.
And so am I lost - as to what to do next and I think maybe just maybe the universe is telling me - give up. I'm old, I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed enough as it is and even if I had the money to upgrade my computer and install new or similar programs, (which I don't) and even if I had the time and ablity to learn new programs I'd still not be able to get to the massive loads of work already done on programs I can't replace anymore.
Dear God, I go in faith, but at this moment, I know not where you are leading me and I need help and to get over the grief of losing so much of the work of my life. And dear God, please, please, give me strength and wisdom to go on where ever it is I am to go. Part of me just wants to lay down right here where I am and wait to die.
I will think on this while I wait to know what to do.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
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