I fell asleep at around seven in the morning after not being able to complete the last of the upgrades that I wanted to have done before tomorrow. I really wanted this ton of weight off my back. There would have been nothing I could have experienced that would have made me any happier than knowing I was done. But - at least as of now, I have only one more thing to go in terms of the set up and installation. I've learned that this will never be done, ever. For someone who likes neat endings that is a commitment that I didn't really consider when I started.
I woke up at 4:20 .....(PM) and considered making good use of that time but decided against it.
It is a beautiful day outside, I've missed most of it as the shadows fall long out over my yard already.
I haven't had a bath or combed my hair in four days. FOUR DAYS... I was running a marathon and I didn't finish the race... but that is seeing the glass half empty.
I need to see it half full.
I wanted to get my nails done, my hair done, a facial, and a massage. That was going to be my gift to myself as well, but nope, I didn't make that happen either.
I'm looking out the window and I know one thing, I have to get out of this house, out from behind this desk, and breathe some fresh air.
I'll give that to myself. Fresh air...
Even now I am torn and part of me just wants to plow into it and finish the final thing here....... Torn - absolutely torn - but I hear a little voice inside of me crying. It wants out.
Tomorrow - I have no idea what is up.
You know what hurts, is that after knowing me all or most of their lives, the people I care about the most, can't ever seem to figure out what they want to give me or what they should do for me on my birthday. Year after year it is like a big surprise to them just days before it is coming and they have no idea how to respond to the recollection that I'll be marking another year on this planet. How did that happen? If I have to make a list of who should get me what then what is the gift part of it? Isn't that more like an obligation to a dictator?
I don't care about gifts on one day vs another, the gift of love is grand enough. Just love me enough to say so and don't put the burden of the day on me. I have enough weight on me as it is and enough decisions to make already. Please, if you don't know what to get me or do for me, then give me the gift of not asking. It makes me feel like I'm an after thought inconvenience of a person who is sitting in waiting of something you owe me.
No one owes me anything!
So - to everyone who asked, ---- What do I want for my birthday? I want to lay down and sleep until the exhaustion is all gone, and wake up refreshed to find that some how magically, the site has finished itself! And I want the people I love to be happy, healthy and prosperous. I want people who love me back to think of me once in a way that causes them to smile. That is what I want.
And God knows I want - peace and morality to reign in this messed up world and for greed, envy and the need for control to disappear. But maybe what I am really wanting is heaven, not earth. Maybe I am ready to go home.
What does this last day feel like? If I am recording this for reflection - I'll sum it up -
I'm exhausted to a degree that is thankfully rare,
I need a shower and to comb my hair....
and to go outside for a little fresh air,
I want to love in the light and lay down despair,
to rise up from the ashes with grace and flair
and to remember how to live without a care.
Here comes sixty? I double dog dare
myself to get through it without a snare.
But overall I'd say, it's just another day...........
